


When did we start and where will we end?

by Seiglinde



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Artist Clarke, Childhood Friends, F/F, Fine Stud Lexa, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 14:42:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6333097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seiglinde/pseuds/Seiglinde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They were together since they were 5. Growing up, finding and losing loved ones. They had shared everything and their bond was strong until feelings came along.</p><p>A slow clexa build. Will have fluffs and of course angst. Please give this a shot perhaps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue Part 1: Clarke

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a slow build, please be patient as I will try to update as frequently as I can. I have laid out the pipes on this story and I only need to fill in the blanks. I'll have indication on what age they are at after the prologue.

Clarke secretly loves it when Lexa treats her more special than the others. (Not that she doesn't do it to others, she knows Lexa does things out of respect and courtesy. But when it comes to Clarke it's just automatic, different(a good kind of different), and she can feel that the gestures were done genuinely, from years of being together as best friends of course.)

She loves it when Lexa paces a few steps in front of her and opens the door for her.(She secretly loves it when Lexa smiles waiting for her.)

She loves it when Lexa pulls the chair out for her.(She secretly loves it when Lexa would ask her "are you comfortable?" every single time.)

She loves it when Lexa would automatically give a jacket or coat to Clarke (sometimes just drape it on Clarke's body) when the cold breeze would pick up at night. (She stopped protesting when they were 15 because she secretly loves the smell and warmth of Lexa)

She loves it when Lexa would open the car door for her.(She secretly loves it when Lexa would hasten her pace to get in the driver's seat, above that she especially loves it when Lexa is driving,Clarke loves to stare at her form,left arm resting on the window with the hand on the wheel, while her right on the stick)

She loves it when Lexa talks to her, like really talk to her. (She secretly loves it when once in a while Lexa would just ramble on when talking about her favorite topic, because she could never get tired of hearing her voice.)

She loves it when Lexa is quiet. (She secretly loves it because she knows why Lexa is quiet not just because Lexa is an introvert, because out of everyone in the world Clarke understands her the best,she can tell if the silence around them is comfortable or not.)

She loves it when Lexa agrees to accompany her to parties despite knowing of Lexa's nature but she doesn't always push Lexa or make her uncomfortable. (She secretly loves it when Lexa being such a gentlewoman,always promises to keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't do anything she'd regret)

(But sometimes feelings get too much and Clarke has done a lot of things she regrets.She's aware that Lexa was hurt by some of the actions she's made, but she blames Lexa for being such a coward. It's what she always did best afterall, either blaming herself or someone else, another one she did best was running away.)

She loves it when Lexa would grab her shirt at the back and follow her around parties because Lexa is uncomfortable talking to strangers.(She secretly loves it when Lexa would scoot closer to her when sitting on a couch and drinking. Lexa never gets drunk and always makes sure that Clarke gets home safe.)

She loves it when Lexa becomes overprotective and would stand in front of her when some sleazy boys would try to take advantage of her.(Clarke can fend them off, but she secretly loves it when Lexa would come out of her shell for her.)

(They'd find themselves in a tangled mess during the morning and Lexa would take care of Clarke from her hangover.)

She knows about Lexa's nature, that she's one of those people who takes time to warm up to. (She secretly loves it when she gets to tell people that Lexa is just shy and takes time to warm up to because it feels like she's more special than them.)

She's seen Lexa sometimes do her best to talk to other people but in the end Lexa can never be open to them like how she is with Clarke (even with Raven and Octavia despite knowing them for more than 5 years) and Clarke secretly loves it.

But now everything is different, she can't read the Lexa in front of her. Even if Lexa still does open the door, pull the chair out and ask if she's alright. It felt rigid, like it was done out of respect and courtesy, like how Lexa treats a person whom she is not familiar with.

Was it her fault that they became like this? Did she not try hard enough?  
Perhaps it was Lexa's fault because she pushed Clarke away.(A lie because Lexa waited and _waited_ for Clarke.)  
There were a lot of possibilities but Clarke chose to be angry and blamed Lexa (because it was easier, that's what she believed).

(Clarke was the one who ran away.)

Now she's facing Lexa looking oh so dashing wearing a three piece suit,black fitted slacks,polished brown Italian shoes,an expensive looking watch; a Rolex perhaps or Cartier, the latter seems to fit Lexa's taste more. Lexa was not the type to flaunt her riches so why now? Clarke's eyes never seem to leave Lexa's and Lexa had to look past her because she couldn't handle the stare.

===================================

"Girls!" Abigail Griffin looked out of breath, Lexa stood up from her seat and walked to her.

"Lexa, I'm so sorry the meeting started late one of the doctor experienced a complication during a surgery." Lexa smiled, (but Clarke can see it was a smile that never really reached her eyes so it was either Lexa was annoyed or felt indifferent) took Abby's arm and led her to the table "It's fine Mrs. Griffin I understand, you were just a few minutes late and it's still early."

Lexa sounded genuine Clarke thought, but her smile seemed to beg to differ and it annoyed Clarke. It annoyed her so much because she couldn’t read Lexa anymore (but she knows _why_ , she knows why Lexa is different because she herself is the reason).

She scoffed "I'm sure you understand Lexa." Clarke cringed internally when she said that. She doesn't have the right to be angry, Lexa doesn't deserve the treatment she's getting from her. (But still Clarke did because she was also trying to get Lexa riled up,to talk to her, to open up.)

Abby doesn’t know that their relationship had drifted, she did occasionally exchange emails with Lexa for life updates and Clarke didn’t really say much. It looked like a friendly banter from her point of view. Well a sassy banter like what they had as teenagers.

Lexa stayed quiet and pulled a chair out for Abby.

"Why thank you Lexa, I guess that mannerism got stuck huh." Abby smiled.

"Well it's a habit, hard to break, father did teach me the ways of life after all. _Always respect and be courteous to people, you never know what they're going through and even a simple gesture could help them make their day_." Lexa said imitating her father.

"He did inspire and helped a lot of people. He was a unique and charismatic too. Like you Lexa, it seems the older you get the more you are becoming more like your father." Abby pointed out.

"In a good way I hope." and now Lexa smiled, a genuine smile. (A smile that Clarke has seen thousand times, a smile so bright it looks like when a child first learned how to ride a bike and successfuly rides independently then looks at the parents all teeth and smile.)

(Clarke was with her after all, together they learned how to ride one.Lexa almost cried and gave up because Clarke had easily learned how to ride and Lexa still wobbling around after hours of learning. Clarke gave her words of encouragement and by the end of the day when Lexa's father came home from work,Lexa zoomed to him with a beaming smile and his father looked so proud. She loved that smile Lexa had when her father told her she was so proud.It was the same smile Lexa was giving now.)

"Okay well let's order first shall we? I'm a little hungry." Abby flipping through the menu while Lexa called for the waiter.

A few minutes when their order was taken Abby just looked at Lexa and Clarke with a smile.

"Well look at the two of you, all grown up..." then she points to Lexa "and you young lady have really changed a lot! Look at you all dressed fancy and such! Also your achievements! I'm sure your father god bless his soul is very proud of you." Abby squeezes Lexa's hand.

Lexa almost tears up from the genuine affection, Abby was in a way like a second family and felt like home.

"I just do my best. I'm trying to preserve the legacy left by father." Lexa looks at Clarke then back with a stoic face.  
  
Clarke was still looking at her.

"Clarke also seems to be doing great, I've heard nothing but praises in the artists' circle. I was suppose to go to her exhibition in the Mets last week but I was held up at work. A pity I've been wanting to go for so long and the tickets were hard to come by." (A lie, Clarke knows because Lexa was too formal. Lexa had purposely avoided going.)

"You two are friends, well of course best friends, I'm sure you don't need tickets just give a heads up to Clarke and I'm sure she'll get you in anytime."

"Yeah Lexa just message me anytime." a hint of sarcasm on Clarke's voice.

"Oh so we're doing this now? If I recall you said **YOU** will message me first when an event is available. I only found out about the last one through a client." Lexa was obviously trying to send a different kind of message because Abby was there but Clarke got it. Clarke just looked at Lexa and Lexa averted her eyes.

They don't want to make a scene, and with a good timing their food arrived.

Abby clapped her hands together, "Well!The food certainly looks better than the pictures, let's eat first then catch up later."

They dined in silence with an occasional compliment made by Abby and Lexa chuckling about small talks Abby was making.

"Who wants desserts?" Clarke had suddenly asked.

"Hm I think I'll pass for the moment, we do have to attend the charity gala tomorrow and I'm pretty stuffed for tonight." Abby had said.

"Oh right the gala, hmmm maybe I'll get ice cream after then." Clarke contemplated.

"You'll be there won't you Lexa?" Clarke then snapped her head looking at Abby then to Lexa with a questioning look.

"Of course, as much as I don't want to I have to..." Lexa sighed "it wouldn't look good on my part if I don't attend for several reasons."

"Well you are an adult now and you do have to uphold some responsibilities."

Lexa pursed her lips and whispered "I don't want to be an adult." (Clarke's heart raced, childish Lexa, a part that Lexa has only shown to her or around family)

Abby gave a sympathetic smile "Sometimes we have to,as much as we want to stay at a certain mindset we can't. The world doesn't revolve around us and there are people who needs us to be play certain parts in their life. In your case a responsible working boss so that the employees can keep their job."

Clarke flinched. _The world doesn't revolve around us and there are people who needs us to be play certain parts in their life. What part do I play in her life?_ she thinks.

And the table was quiet again.

"It's getting late and you must be very tired Mrs. Griffin you must rest,also tomorrow will be a long night it will be ideal to turn the night early today. I'll handle the bill." Lexa stands.

"Wait no you don't have to." Abby quickly followed.

"Oh no please I insist, I was the one who invited you. Paying the bill is the least I can do after all the things you've done in the past, so please let me. Go and rest." Lexa gave Abby a reassuring smile then glanced at Clarke who was still seated now checking her phone.

"Clarke..." 

 _God her saying my name is still a music to my ears._ (Clarke loves it when Lexa says her name.)

"Clarke please escort your mother back, the both of you rest early tonight, tired is not a good look." And with that Lexa leaves to get the bill.

Clarke stands and goes to her mother, she loops her arm around her mother's "Well your heard the  _Commander_  mom! (Clarke had said it a little louder hoping Lexa heard it while walking away.) Away we go!" Abby looked amused still a little bit oblivious.

"I guess, I'm sure we will have plenty of time to chat again tomorrow. Goodnight Lexa!" Abby waved at Lexa's direction.

Lexa waved back.

Clarke started dragging her mother and got into the car.

Once seated in the car her mother gave the driver directions to the hotel. She looked at Clarke after.

"Should I be concerned with you being quiet the whole time during dinner?"

"What? No, I'm just a little bit slumped. Tired. Lexa must have picked it up."

"Ok, well if there's anything wrong you could always talk to me."

"Hm, yeah I know mom."

The car ride was silent. Clarke looked out of the window.

_I'm here, and she's here. It's inevitable and I have to face her sooner or later. Mom would be devastated if she finds out so I'll have to fix this. 4 years. How much have I missed and it was all my fault._

Clarke loves Lexa very much since 5. (But she had secretly fell in love with Lexa when they were 13).

(She ran away when feelings got too much).


	2. Prologue Part 2:Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of Prologue. Lexa's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot to say that I'll be doing alternate Clarke and Lexa POVs. I'll put an indication in the title.

Lexa secretly loves when Clarke treats her more special than the others (Clarke is different when they are alone and when they are around others.)

She loves it when Clarke holds her hand when walking through a crowd (she secretly loves it when Clarke would squeeze her hand or pull her closer.)

She loves it when Clarke listens to her just talk about her favorite things(she secretly loves it when Clarke looks at her with a kind smile even when she knows she's rambling.)

She loves it when Clarke understands when she needs silence (she secretly loves it just staying in silence either in her room or Clarke's room with her reading and Clarke just drawing (but mostly she stares at Clarke and she doesn't get tired))

She loves it when Clarke tells the reason why she's quiet or doesn't talk much when meeting new people (she secretly loves it when Clarke knows her so well that Clarke doesn't leave her even if other people had asked Clarke to hangout.)

She loves it that Clarke doesn't push her going to parties but she agrees to go anyway because she swore to protect Clarke (she secretly loves it nursing Clarke's hangovers.)

(But sometimes these parties get too much that it has led to many heart aches for Lexa. Feelings get too much and she holds back her tears knowing she'll never be with Clarke (a lie because somehow the universe always pulls them back together) and it hurts Lexa to see Clarke being with someone else.)

She loves it when once in a while she gets protective of Clarke and Clarke would stand behind her holding her hand (she secretly loves it that Clarke would leave with her after and have a party of their own at home.)

She loves it when Clarke would pull her down and snuggle when she sleeps (she secretly loves it because it was a habit that has been formed since they were 5.)

  
Was it her fault that they became like this? Was she to attached?  
Maybe Clarke grew tired of her, always clinging. (A lie because Clarke did the same, and when Clarke asked for space Lexa obliged.)  
She had waited and waited until one day they just stopped.

(Lexa knew Clarke had ran away but she knows Clarke will come back, but not like this.)

Now she sees Clarke standing in front of her as beautiful as ever but something feels different. Tired maybe or she doesn't know her anymore. (4 years of being apart with no proper communication, of course it's only natural that people change, Lexa had thought nonetheless she had treated Clarke like she always did, it was always automatic and her body remembers.)

=============================================================  
Lexa never thought that she'll be back. Abby had found out that she'll be in the Arkadia for a while and wanted to catch up and see her personally and Lexa said yes. Lexa had invited her for dinner then.(Abby had helped her in the past after all and she at least owes the Griffin a dinner.)

Lexa thought that it would only be the two of them,she didn't think Clarke would be here as Abby had not mentioned it and now here they are. Sitting, waiting and waiting. (Lexa had become good at it, the waiting game.) She felt Clarke's gaze little too intense and she was never more glad that Abby came to break it.

Abby had apologized but Lexa understands and reassures her that it was fine.

(She heard Clarke scoff.)

_She doesn't have the right to be angry,she was the one who wanted space and I gave it to her.I don't owe her an apology._ (But she let's Clarke be angry at her to make Clarke feel better. Lexa could never hate her, she has and will always love her.) And so she stays silent.

They had sat down and ordered food. Abby had started making small talk and Lexa had made a mistake by bringing up Clarke's latest exhibition.

"Yeah Lexa just message me anytime." When Lexa heard that she almost wanted to shout,be angry at Clarke because it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair and so she only snapped back "Oh so we're doing this now? If I recall you said **YOU** will message me first when an event is available. I only found out about the last one through a client." (A lie because until now she follows Clarke's career with great interest. Once in a while she will have some people go and buy some pieces. Her office, was decorated only with Clarke's work.) She also hopes that Clarke got the message.

When Clarke had told Lexa that she wanted some space, that Clarke needs to figure out what or where exactly their relationship is, Lexa had obliged. Clarke would be the first to contact her when she's ready to talk,but it never came.

Lexa had grown tired from waiting but she was willing to keep on waiting. (It was a mistake because one day Abby had told her that Clarke was dating some person. Abby had kept on communicating with her and occasionally bring up Clarke's dating life. Abby had thought that Clarke maybe tells Lexa too and so Abby would occasionally ask "So what do you think of him/her?" and Lexa would just reply with a shrug or "I don't know." and she just dies a little bit inside.)

She snapped out of it when Abby clapped her hands announcing the arrival of food. They had dined and Abby had certainly been true to her words about catching up.

Dinner had gone by fast and Lexa had never been more thankful. (She used to wish that it didn't because dinner together with her dad and the Griffin's was when Lexa was the happiest.)

"You'll be there won't you Lexa?" Abby had asked her.

_Oh right the charity gala. For a cancer research drive._

(Her father had fought and died from cancer, Lexa was willing to throw money to cancer research centers.)

"Of course, as much as I don't want to I have to..." Lexa sighed "it wouldn't look good on my part if I don't attend for several reasons." (She doesn't get why she had to be there it's not like she was in it for attention, she figured writing checks would be good enough.)

_"It'll look good for the company." Anya had said once "plus might as well check a new location to expand. Arkadia is a good place, their business tax is a little lax."_

"Well you are an adult now and you do have to uphold some responsibilities."

Lexa pursed her lips and whispered "I don't want to be an adult."

(To be childish again,it has been a while and Lexa had to play the mature card at an early age after her father's death.)

"Sometimes we have to,as much as we want to stay at a certain mindset we can't. The world doesn't revolve around us and there are people who needs us to be play certain parts in their life. In your case a responsible working boss so that the employees can keep their job."

Lexa had nod and glanced briefly at Clarke. _What does Clarke play in my life? What am I in hers? Had she figured it out yet?_

It wasn't late yet but Lexa had never felt more exhausted and so she had to wrap it up.

"It's getting late and you must be very tired Mrs. Griffin you must rest,also tomorrow will be a long night it will be ideal to turn the night early today. I'll handle the bill."

"Wait no you don't have to."

"Oh no please I insist, I was the one who invited you. Paying the bill is the least I can do after all the things you've done in the past, so please let me. Go and rest."

Lexa knows about Abby's stuborness. Like mother like daughter. (She secretly loves Clarke's stuborness.)

"Clarke..." _Ahh it slipped_. Lexa panics "Clarke please escort your mother back, the both of you rest early tonight, tired is not a good look." _Smooth Lexa,_   _good recovery._  

Lexa saw Clarke stand and take Abby's arm. "Well your heard the _ **Commander** _ mom!" Lexa flinched at the nickname. Abby then waved at her direction and she waved back.

After paying the bill she got into her car.

Lexa sighed and all the tension was released. She slumped in the driver's seat.

_This was a mistake. Maybe I should not stay in the house and just book a hotel._

(She couldn't sell the old house, she had ask her secretary to call a cleaning service and personally oversee the cleaning. It had too many memories, too many items and it was the last thing her father had left her. But what's worse is that it was beside the Griffin's household.)

_Or maybe I can avoid her. Just stay in the house and leave when necessary._

She drives then, to her _home_. (It feels like home, yet not quite like it.)

She finds the garage door remote in the compartment and stares at it for a while. _God even this thing brings back memories._

She parks and walks to the front door and stops. The Griffin house has their lights on.

_Should I use my flashlight to navigate so they won't notice_. Lexa had debated. She got her phone out in the end.

Silently as possible she opened and closed the door. She lets out another sigh when she got in and looks around.

_Bed._ Lexa thinks , _I'll have time to reminisce tomorrow._  

She slowly removes her clothes, the blazer, the tie then the collared shirt. She looks into her closet and fishes out a worn-out t-shirt. (The t-shirt Clarke had made for her with cartoon animals. Lexa loves it because Clarke was the one who made the doodle.)

She removed her pants and opted for shorts. She didn't care if the slacks crinkle when she stepped out of it.

_Anya's having me go for final adjustments tomorrow morning anyway._ She makes her way to the bed.

Looking out of the window, she can see the shadow of a tree branch. (Clarke would always climb it and throw things into Lexa's room.) She smiles. (A sad and bitter smile.)

Sleep came fast and she dreams of the past.

 

Lexa loves Clarke since they were 5. (But she had secretly fell in love with Clarke when she was 10.)

 

(The biggest mistake Lexa thought she had made; admitting she loves Clarke and telling her when they were 19. It was then when Clarke starts slipping away.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pester me, message me at [tumblr](%E2%80%9Dtheoddoneoutofthefamily.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D) or to see if I'm still alive or something.


	3. The morning after:Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke reveals her reasons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where in Octavia makes an appearance and is a supportive and kind of sassy friend.

_"Clarke...stop...you are drunk and this is not a good idea." Lexa's breath became erratic feeling Clarke's lips on her neck licking and nipping at her pulse point._

_Clarke wasn't really drunk only tipsy, she was aware of her actions. (Maybe, maybe this feelings will pass if I sleep with her)_

_Clarke continued,her hands roaming around Lexa's body._

_"Clarke...please...not like this." the sound of Lexa's voice turned her on even more._

_(My name,say my name again it's been a week since we've talked.You've been hanging out with Costia.) Clarke panicked at her thoughts, when had she become this kind of person where her feelings are becoming too much that jealousy has taken over._

_She stops and looks at Lexa. She stares at those green eyes intently._

_"Clarke?....Clarke?Do you recognize me?How much did you drink?" Clarke merely smiles, she was thankful that Lexa thought she was drunk. (She'll lie to Lexa or maybe just see how the morning after will play out.)_

_She flops on to the other side of the bed.Pretending to have passed out. She heard Lexa inhale and exhale, probably trying to calm herself._

_After a minute or so the bed creaks Lexa got up, went to Clarke's side and put a blanket over her. Lexa also took a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water leaving it on her nightstand. Lexa didn't come back. Sleep only came to her after staring at the ceiling for hours._

_Later that day she had found out from Octavia that Lexa slept on the couch and left when Octavia dropped breakfast._

_"Lexa looked like she was crying." Octavia mentioned._

=================================================================  
Clarke was crying when she woke."When did I get so fucked up." (She knows when it started, love can make a person ugly.)

She looks at the clock: 6:30 am. She groans " _Too early_." but for some reason she can't sleep. She decides to get up and goes to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Back in her room she took a pen and a sketchpad then laid on her bed. She started sketching a familiar face; Lexa.

Clarke groans again. "I need to talk to her."

She hears a knock on her door. "Clarke?" it was Abby.

Clarke opens the door "Hey mom."

"I have to leave now so I can come back early, make sure to go and pick up the dress at the tailor for tonight."

"Sure. Need me to pick up anything else?"

"I don't think so.If I need anything I can probably get them on my own on coming home. Anyway got to go." Abby gives Clarke a brief hug.

"Bye mom." Clarke flops back to her bed. She glances at her phone and decides to call Octavia.

Octavia picks up after 2 rings.

"Hey Clarke."

"Hey O can you come over right now?"

"Uh yeah sure I'll just take a quick shower just finished my morning run. Be there in 15."

Clarke stares at the ceiling.  
===============================================================================================  
 _"I wonder what falling in love feels like?" Clarke asks Lexa. The both of them laying on her bed staring at the stars on the ceiling. Lexa had brought her new star projector to show Clarke._

_Lexa stays silent for a while. "I don't know. I mean they said being with the person you love makes you happy."_

_"I'm always happy being with you.Does that mean I love you?"_

_"There are different kinds of love Clarke,when you say that you love me what kind of love are you referring to?"Lexa faces her, "Love as a friend, love as a family, or perhaps romantically?"_

_"Uhhm as a friend I guess?" Clarke scrunches or eyebrows "We're not dating so romantically is probably out of the question." Clarke saw Lexa's face fall then._

_"I see. Well I also love you."_

_"Damn right you do I mean I'm like your best friend I've been stuck with you since we were 5."_

_"Ah yes and now we are 13 so that makes it...8 years."_

_"8 years and still going strong. Hey let's make a promise."_

_"Sure."_

_"We'll help each other in the romance department. I'll probably be fine with it since I don't have problem socializing but I could help you!"_

_"I, uh I guess?"_

_"You can help me by picking people? You are the one who's good at judging. I mean I probably would follow anyone who offers me candy and if it weren't for you I'd be a goner."_

_"Ok, I promise."_

_"Pinky swear?"_

_Lexa snorts "What are we 10?"_

_"Jeez we're like 13 it's not that far." Clarke takes Lexa's hand "Come on."_

_"Fine."_  
================================================================================================  
The doorbell rings and Clarke rushes to open the door.

"Hey Clarke is uh...you know neighbor..." Octavia points at Lexa's house "around? Or did someone move in?"

"I don't think so? I haven't heard anyone and mom didn't mention anything about a new neighbor. As far as I know she never sold it. Why?"

"I thought I might have seen a shadow or something. Or maybe it was my imagination."

"Wait Lexa will also be attending tonight maybe she's staying there?"

"She's here? Like in this city? When did she arrive?"

"I don't know last night? We actually had dinner together with my mom."

"WHAT? Wait let's go in the first." Octavia pushes Clarke inside and goes to the kitchen. Clarke sits on one of the empty counter while Octavia looks for food in the fridge.

"I thought you were ignoring her because of your and I quote issues and it's been like what 4 years?Now she just comes back and you had dinner with her like nothing happened? Was she angry?" Octavia takes some ingredients out "Ungh I'm so hungry I'm making a sandwich want one?"

"No thanks, hey stop taking our food.

"Well I'm sorry I came here immediately after you called and I didn't get to have breakfast at home. Anyway spill."

"Apparently mom mentioned it yesterday I didn't know about it! They still contact each other so I'm assuming she invited my mom and in extension mom told me probably as a reminder about the dinner. So I dressed up and went to the dinner. Lexa didn't looked surprised so mom must have also called her as a reminder that both of us were going. She doesn't know about our falling out." 

Octavia nods.

"She was still ungh I don't know how to say this. Aesthetically pleasing. So easy to the eyes especially now, you should've seen her O she was wearing a three piece suit!It was so sexy!"

"I don't care how hot she looks Clarke."

"Still chivalrous as ever but she was distant. Like she was a different person and she went back to her shell."

"I wouldn't be surprised you suddenly stopped talking to her.She's an introvert and you know how long it took her to be comfortable with me and the gang.It's only natural for her to go back to her bubble,to her shell. I'm pretty sure she's just protecting herself."

Octavia finishes making her sandwhich and takes a bite.

"I want to make this right O." Clarke takes the sandwich from Octavia and takes a bite too.

Octavia throws her a glare "Hey!" Clarke hands it back but Octavia stops her and grumbles. "Take it I'll just make a new one."

"Help me out here O."

"Sure as much as I want to help I don't know what to do. Why don't you call her or just straight up talk to her?"

"I lost my phone 4 years ago 2 weeks after she left remember? Kind of lost my contacts?" (Clarke may have lost her phone but she had Lexa's number memorized, it was etched to her memory.)

"Mhhmm,how convinient." Octavia had said sarcastically.

"And I did try to talk to her last night...I only lashed out on her. It wasn't fair,it wasn't her fault why we drifted it was mine."

"Who knew you falling in love with your best friend and said best friend also feels the same and confesses made you ran away.Remind me again why?"

"I was becoming an ugly person! I felt jealous, possessive, and even paranoid! I was afraid so afraid I started having these thoughts of what if. What if she gets tired of me,what if she couldn't handle my clinginess, what if she doesn't love me like I love her, what if we break up, so many what ifs...I don't think I could handle that. Losing dad was something but losing Lexa...it would be like losing my other half."

"You already lost her 4 years ago Clarke, when you decided to run and cut ties."

"I..." Clarke chocked "I know I fucked up big time O. I should've listened when you were telling me to talk to her. To tell her what I was feeling. But I was so afraid what if she gets scared of me, seeing this ugly side of me. So I just ran away hoping to forget her so I wouldn't hurt myself." (The biggest mistake Clarke ever did)

"And who do you think got hurt the most here?"

"Lexa."

Octavia sighs "I know that you've developed some trust issues and maybe a little bit of abandonment issues after Finn and your dad, and you got hurt but that doesn't justify your actions. Lexa lost her dad too at an earlier age and she never had a mother growing up who do you think has a bigger issues here? Her of course."

"Who's side are you taking here O??"

"No one, because this is stupid.Do you still have feelings for her?"

"It never left. So much for 4 years but now I think I've matured. I'm not going to run away anymore. I'll be ok even if she doesn't feel the same, I understand if she's moved on. I just... want to be friends again."

"Use the gala as an oppurtunity."

"Yeah, yeah I will. Thanks O."

Octavia shrugs "I didn't do anything."

"Hey can you drive me to the tailor shop? I have to pick up my dress and Raven borrowed my car."

"Sure."

"Also can you help me do my hair and make-up?"

"Well now I know what the thank you is for. Yes I'll help but you owe me lunch for a week."

"Ungh fine. You're the best."

"Not as best as Lexa though right?"

Clarke stayed quiet and smiled "She's Lexa and you've seen what she's done." (Despite trying to forget Lexa, she was everywhere;magazines, tv and all over the internet.)

"Yeah a fucking millionaire at the age of 22! Shit if only I found out this was going to happen I would've gone after her!"

Clarke glares at Octavia and Octavia puts her hands up "Woah! Easy princess!I'm sorry!"

"Shit see this is what I'm talking about. Jealousy and possessive,I'm feeling them and we're not even together!"

"Hey, hey Clarke no harm done. See this is love it's only natural to feel them but you can sort this out."

"I hope you're right O." Clarke sighs and takes the plate Octavia used to the sink and washes it. Octavia puts the food she took out before back to the fridge.

They left the house and walked to the Blake's. All of them lived in the same suburbs and took them only a few minutes to arrive. Octavia got to her car and Clarke followed.  
===============================================================================================  
"While we're at it want to go to the gala as my plus one? I'll buy you a dress. Mom and I have our own invitations." Clarke had said while they were parking in front of the tailor's shop.

"Those parties aren't really my type of parties if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I know just be there as my support? Or slap me if I get cold feet and run away again."

"I guess.I mean I'm doing it for a free dress and food so why not?" Octavia lets out a loud sigh. They leave the car and went into the shop. An attendant walks to them when she heard the door jingle.

"Great!You can pick any dress you like and have it fitted they can work fast on the ready mades and we can get lunch while we wait."

Clarke hands the attendant a reciept. "I'm here for pick-up. Also can we browse your ready-mades?

The attendant smiled and led them to a room where racks of dresses are kept.

"Since your buying my lunch I want steak."

"Are you sure? Like having a steak now?"

"Please I need my sustenance plus it's fine with my work out routine it's like I don't even eat and you've seen me eat."

Clarke rolls her eyes. "Right of course, damn you and you're healthy lifestyle. well have your pick."

They spent a good while picking a dress and Octavia settled for a long black shimmer dress.

"A few jewelries here and there you'll look great O! Excuse me can we have this fitted please?"

An attendant with body tape measure took Octavia's measurement.

"We can have the dress ready in an hour ma'am."

"Great we'll come and pick it up with mine together later." Clarke goes to the counter to get the bill.

"You are aware that I could pay for it right?" Octavia whispered to Clarke's ear and scared her.

Clarke jumped "Fuck O! You almost gave me a heart attack! I know you can, I just want to because I sprang the invitation on like the day itself and I'm doing this for me."

Octavia smirks "You better prepare your cheeks cause I'll be smacking you real good if you run. I'm tired of seeing the two of you dancing around. Both of you always had the worst timing. Either you were going out with someone or she was with someone then when the oppurtunity came you bailed. SO you better be damn ready I won't be just slapping you I'll be kicking your ass cause you need it."

Clarke smiles "I appreciate it O. Come on let's get lunch."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pester me, message me at [tumblr](%E2%80%9Dtheoddoneoutofthefamily.tumblr.com%E2%80%9D) or to see if I'm still alive or something.


	4. The morning after: Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning after the dinner with Lexa's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got a little busy and exhausted this week applying for jobs and going for interviews so I'm very sorry if this chapter sucks. I'm trying to improve my writing and also I have no idea how frequent I'll be doing updates but I'll try to do at least once a week.

Lexa woke up around 9. "Shit I'm late!" She looks at her phone.

23 miss calls from Anya.

The first call was from 7 am.

3 messages from Anya.

Lexa groans and opens the message.

Anya: You're usually awake by 7 but assuming you haven't answered my call you must still be asleep.

Anya: You must be exhausted so I'll let you sleep in since it's pretty rare for you to get an 8 hour sleep cycle.

Anya: I called the tailor to just have the suit ready anytime just go whenever your ready.

She went to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

_So much for wanting to get up early. I'll have to call Anya later._

She spots Octavia going to the Griffin's, she quickly ducked out of the window.

Her heart started beating fast.

_Clarke must be at home, great how can I leave it's daytime._

She walks to her closet "Shower first." she sighs

She takes a skinny jean and a white tank top. "And a matching underwear I guess."

She goes to the bathroom and takes a quick shower.

_I have to think of a plan. Avoid Clarke at all cost. First leave house then just have lunch outside pick up suit then what? Do I come back here or just go and check-in to a nearby hotel around the gala and get ready there? Spend a few bucks to spare a few moments of awkwardness._

Drying herself she went back to her room. She hears a door open so she tries to peek from the windows.

_Clarke and Octavia. This is great they are leaving but I do not know what time they are coming back. I guess it is decided then I will have to settle for a hotel._

Before leaving she decides to eat breakfast first. She goes to the kitchen and stops for a moment touching the counter tops.

=======================================================================================

  
_"Anyone who would marry you would be so lucky, you're so great at cooking." Clarke said with a mouthful of pancakes._

_"Please do not talk while your mouth is full, you are making a mess." Lexa looks at Clarke,taking a tissue she wipes the syrup off on Clarke's left cheek._

_"Yeah the perfect wife! Ungh I wish my future spouse would be as nice as you!" Clarke smiling at Lexa and Lexa smiles back. (But her smile has a little sadness to it)_

  
=======================================================================================

 

_Part of me still hopes but Clarke may not feel the same_. Lexa sighs she moves to open her fridge she was a little surprised it was well stocked.

_I have to call Anya later and remind her to give Niylah a raise. Even the basic necessities were well-stocked._  

She settles for just drinking a bottle of milk.

_I'll just take an early lunch it is kind of late for breakfast and I'm not that hungry._

She goes back to her room to takes some accessories and make-up kit to bring to the hotel.

Grabbing her phone,wallet and car keys she makes a double take to make sure Clarke and Octavia are gone.

She gets into her car and drives to the city.

  
=======================================================================================

  
While driving she calls Anya.

Anya picks up after three rings.

"Hey I got a little worried at first but then I figured if someone ever mugs you they wouldn't even be able to lay a hand on you."

"Hello Anya, that is how a phone call usually start. With a greeting."

"Psh fine hello there happy? Anyway what are you doing?"

"I'm currently on my way to pick up the suit. Do not worry I am using bluetooth headset. Also I am calling to remind you to give a raise to Niylah."

"Sure yeah noted anything else?"

"No I will call you if anything arises."

"Oh, I'm sure I don't have to remind you but you have to scout for location there. For some reason someone had started a rumor of us branching out and some partners are very eager to invest for a new location."

"Perhaps someone has mistaken me of coming here to do business. Since there are already people interested it wouldn't hurt to do some scouting. I'll do it." Lexa arrives at the tailor.

"Anya I have arrived at the tailor's I'll call you if needed. Goodbye." She drops the call and parks the car.

Opening the door a bell chimes and an attendant comes near Lexa.

"Welcome how can I help you madam?."

"I'm here for my final fitting. Lexa Woods."

The attendant looks at her wide-eyed "Of course! Please this way!" Lexa was lead to a luxurious room and an attendant points out her suit was displayed behind a glass case. "I'll call for Mrs. Pierre she'll be here shortly."

Lexa sits and tries to relax somehow she hears some giggling noise in the background. She turns around and sees some of the other employees checking her out. At one point she can't help but overhear "Oh my god she's so hot."

"She's a Daddy! Oh my god I'd do anything to even have at least one night with her."

"I heard she's quite good at it."

"Is she single?"

"She looks so good in person. I mean the ones in magazines were done professionally but up close is a whole new level."

"I'm swooning over here."

Lexa tries to clears her throat and glances at direction where the employees were. She hears some of them squeal and everyone scrambled and left.

She can't help but be flattered by the attention. (She never really thought about her physical appearance until one day Clarke had pointed out how she looks like a goddess.)

"Well look who's here." Lexa turns around and an middle-aged lady greets her with a smile.

"Mrs. Pierre it's good to see you." Lexa smiles back.

"I'm assuming you're busy today so I'll make this quick." She takes a body tape measure and quickly sizes up Lexa. Then she goes to the glass case and takes the suit out.

"Here put it on, changing station is over there." Mrs. Pierre points out.

Lexa nods and changes quickly. She's never felt more powerful and comfortable wearing a suit. She walks over to a mirror and Mrs. Pierre comes over making the final adjustments.

"You look well Lexa how's life?"

"Oh you know still the same. I've just hope I'm not screwing up what father had worked so hard to build."

"Still pining over the Clarke girl?" Lexa blushes at the question but her smile falters after.

"I'm planning on giving up. I'm tired." Mrs.Pierre raises a brow.

"You're still young I'm sure she'll come around but if she doesn't then we'll just have to find you someone better than her."

"Yeah maybe I do deserve someone better. I can't keep on waiting and hurting I have to find someone else."

Mrs.Pierre gives Lexa a sad smile.Lexa considers her as a close confidante;aside from Clarke. She was a close friend with Lexa's grandmother and considers Lexa as her own granddaughter.

"I'll have it ready and cleaned. Come back after an hour." Mrs. Pierre waves at her.

Lexa changes back to her casual clothes and beelines to her car. She doesn't really want to stay because of the employees gawking at her.

She looks at the time: 12:00pm

I'll go to a hotel first and book a room then lunch.

Turns out the charity gala will be held in the Ark Hotel itself which will be convenient for Lexa.

  
=========================================================================

  
The drive to the hotel only took 10 mins and she left her car on the valet.

Lexa went to the reception and the staff were more than accomodating when they heard who was staying.

"Two days presidential suite." she figured she might as well make the most of it. She slides her card and the receptionist gives her the key to the suite.

"I'll just order room service for lunch..."she lets out a sigh when she gets on the elevator.

_I've been sighing too much ever since I got here. Exhausted from doing nothing. I'm too young to be acting this old._

She arrives at her floor and goes into the room. She opens the menu and orders room service immediately. While waiting she lies on the bed.

"The mattress at home is more comfortable....I'll probably find some random girl tonight... " as much as she doesn't want to her body needs release it has been a while and after seeing Clarke, her body flared at Clarke's gaze from last night.

Room service came fast and after eating she decides to drive back to the tailor's.

When she parked her car, Clarke and Octavia were there about to walk-in to the shop. Lexa's heart almost stopped.

Her phone rang as she sat in the car debating whether to go in or wait it out.

Incoming call: Anya

"Hello boss."

Lexa had tried to calm herself before replying "Hello Anya, what is it?"

"Got a call your suit is ready."

"Yes I'm about to pick it up."

"Oh that's great you actually have to pick it up now and go to Ark Hotel to meet with some sponsors...like right now."

"Sponsors? For what? Why am I hearing this now?"

"Yeah about that, they literally just called 30 minutes ago about wanting to meet you and talk about some plans they would like to execute in the charity. They said they'll indulge the details to you personally and I told them yeah you can meet them since you aren't really doing anything...or unless you are busy? I can call them back."

Lexa grits her teeth not wanting to really get the suit right now but this charity is important to her so reason won out "It's fine...just tell me who and where?"

"They said someone will be waiting for you at the lobby. It's actually a rep from CRI."

"Is that all?"

"Yep."

"All right then goodbye." Lexa takes in a deep breath and exits the car.

She quickly walks in and calls for the nearest employee to get the suit but of course as her luck would have it Octavia sees her.

She sees Octavia's face go from smiling to neutral to confused then contemplate. Lexa ignores her and she sweeps around to look if Clarke was around then she hears a laugh coming from the back.

Mrs.Pierre must be talking with her. She sees one of the girls holding her suit and quickly gets to it and take it from her.

"Thank you I'll take it from here." She takes some $100 bills and threw it on a counter.

Lexa can feel Octavia's stare and she looks back at her and just nods before quickly darting off.

She can feel her hands shaking as she got into the driver's seat and hoped that this day would end fast.

Lexa had always wished for longer days when she was with Clarke. (She started wishing for shorter days when they started falling apart.)

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CRI is the Cancer Research Institute
> 
> Next chapter will be a confrontation between Clarke and Lexa and some angst will probably entail in the gala.


	5. A blast from the past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A story of the past when Clarke truly started running from Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took longer. Putting in-betweens are hard...like animation.

Clarke and Octavia had finished lunch and went back to pick up their dress.

Mrs.Pierre was at the counter when they went in.

"Young Griffin, how's your mother?" Mrs.Pierre had asked when she looked up.

"Oh same as ever busy at the hospital." Clarke had replied while an employee had went to grab their dresses.

Mrs.Pierre had eyed Clarke intensely and Clarke looked back at her with a questionable look.

"Is there something wrong Mrs.Pierre?"

"Can I talk to you for a moment?"

Clarke scrunches her brows and looks at Octavia.

Octavia just nods "It's fine I can wait."

Mrs.Pierre led Clarke to her office and locked the door.

"Is this about Lexa?" Clarke had asked knowing that the woman is close to Lexa.

"I need to know what your plans are with Alexandria,I treat her like she is one of my own and I'm only looking out for her, I'm sure you understand." Clarke nods and Mrs.Pierre continues "One moment you pull her in then the moment she lets herself get pulled you push her."

"Mrs.Pierre with all due respect these past 4 years I've been trying to deal with my issues and I been learning a lot about myself. If it makes you feel any better I'm done running, I can promise you that and that's why I'm going later and you know how I hate these events."

Mrs.Pierre can see the fire in Clarke's eyes and she was impressed. Stubbornness runs in the family and she believes in Clarke. "This might be your last chance." she tells Clarke.

Clarke gives her a smile, a smile full of confidence and hope. "I know and I'm not gonna fuck this up."

Mrs.Pierre hits her "Language girl,I didn't raise you to be like this." she also said jokingly.

"Just because you've seen me grow up doesn't mean you raised me, don't think I forgot the time you tried to make sabotage my dress when I was 9!"

Both of them have begun joking around for a while and Clarke has started laughing genuinely again.

===================================================================

"Clarke we need to leave now!" Octavia said while knocking on the door.

Clarke appears soon after "What's wrong O?"

"Lexa was just here.She left as soon as she got her suit, maybe because she saw me and realized you were also here."

Clarke immediately runs out of the shop, she spots Lexa's car driving away.

Octavia appears beside her holding the dresses. "Well clearly she's avoiding you. I can't imagine the lengths she'll go at the party later."

"Did she say anything to you or what?" Clarke asks while walking towards the car.

"She only nodded at my direction and threw some money at the counter then got out."

Octavia opens the trunk an gently puts the dresses in while Clarke goes to sit in the car. Octavia follows soon after in the driver's seat.

"O I know this is too much to ask but we have to think of a plan and one of them might involve you manhandling her."

Clarke looks at Octavia seriously and Octavia swallows hard.

"That is asking too much Clarke but I'll do what I can. I mean...yeah today might be the day I die. Remember college when some guy was trying to hit on you and grabbed your ass without your consent? I mean it's not like you can't handle yourself but jeez she took him out so fast with a clean hit too, guy didn't even know what hit him...What about the other plans that does not involve me laying a hand on her?"

"We'll just see when we're there. I mean plan A is me approaching her directly, plan B is taking advantage when she talks to my mom and I grab her, and well plan C is the manhandle."

Octavia starts driving "Wow solid plans, I guess I'll start writing my will and leave it to you to handle my funeral. Just make sure the spellings are correct on my tombstone."

Clarke gives her a tired smile "Don't talk like that O, she won't harm you I'll make sure of it."

(Clarke knows that Lexa would never even hit a fly. She's only seen Lexa punch one person outside of her practice and it was the guy who grabbed her ass. Since then no person would act disrespectful towards Clarke. Lexa would rather use more peaceful methods and only raise her fist to intimidate when absolutely necessary.)  
=========================================================  
 _It was a Saturday morning when Abby had made too much breakfast and asked Clarke to take some over to Lexa._

_Lexa was just about to leave for her martial arts training when Clarke was at her door._

_"Morning Clarke is anything wrong?"_

_"What? No I just came over to give you some food, mom made too much. Also what makes you think something’s wrong?"_

_"Well it's seven in the morning and you usually sleep in on weekends." and then Lexa gestures to her clothes "Plus you're still wearing pajamas so I assumed an emergency might have happened."_

_Clarke nudges Lexa's shoulder "Pfft it's fine no one would judge me if I walk around the neighborhood in my pj's. Anyway here." Clarke hands her a plate of sandwiches._

_"Thank you, also tell that to your mother, I do have to leave though" Lexa takes one and puts the remaining in her kitchen. "I'll give the plate back later."_

_Lexa leaves the sandwich hanging on her mouth while locking her door. She turns to Clarke bites the sandwich and waves at her while walking down the road.. "This is so good!" Lexa shouts half way and Clarke still watching her walk away just smiles._

_When she couldn’t see Lexa anymore she went back to her house and flops back down the bed deciding to go back to sleep._

_She wakes up around lunch with her father calling her to eat._

_"Hey kid lunch is on the table and I've got to leave. Some emergency." Jake Griffin was hovering around her. "I'll be buying dinner on my way back. Your mother will be a bit late tonight. Gotta go." He kisses her cheeks and left._

_Clarke gets up and takes a quick shower before eating lunch._

_Her day was spent finishing homework and painting. When she got bored she glanced at the clock and runs out of her house. Just in time she sees Lexa arriving to her house._

_Clarke looks at her horrified because Lexa was all bruised and bloody._

_"Lexa what happened!?"_

_Lexa shrugs and unlocks the door Clarke follows her inside._

_"This is not nothing! Come on I'll help you clean up." Clarke knows that Lexa is shutting her out so she doesn't push her._

_Lexa goes to the bathroom then she turns around to look at Clarke "Can I take a shower first?"_

_Clarke looks at her "I think it'll be better if you use the tub." Lexa was about to protest when Clarke stops her "I went to medical summer camp."_

_Clarke steps in the bathroom first to open the water to fill in the tub while Lexa goes to get her clothes . While waiting she grabs the first aid kit and a few soft towels then sets it beside the tub. Lexa goes in and starts stripping her clothes off then gets in the tub. Clarke was surprised when she saw the extent of the bruises._

_"You have to get an x-ray."_

_Lexa flicks her wrist "Don't worry nothing is broken."_

_"Lexa this is not the time to argue we're going to the hospital tomorrow."_

_Lexa lets out a huff. Clarke gets a towel dips it in the water and started to wipe Lexa's arm gently._

_They were quiet for a few minutes until Lexa spoke first with a sigh._

_"I might as well tell you what happened since you'll find out about it because Octavia was there. Better coming from me than her right?"_

_Clarke felt a little surprised at Lexa because there was anger in her tone. She saw Lexa clench her jaw._

_"Some thugs hired by Nia was waiting to ambush me outside the gym. They had someone held hostage and I couldn't really do anything but follow what they said.Next thing I know they took me to Nia's hideout."_

_(The thugs had dropped the name Clarke Griffin as their hostage.Lexa couldn't take the risk so she complies.)_

_Clarke's heart almost stopped "What did Nia want?"_

_"Apparently to shut me up, because I found out what the software app of her company does. It was a real time stock market analysis but underneath, it was stealing private informations too. You'd be surprised how much money she made by manipulating the market...also she demanded to take over the company."_

_Clarke had stopped wiping her then and proceeded to wash Lexa's hair._

_"She had made one phone call to Gustus telling him lies and made me talk to him, good thing we've made some code in case situations like these arises. Gustus had found our location when he made sure the hostages were safe then came to get me."_

_"What did you do to Nia after?" Clarke asked warily._

_"Nothing."_

_"What do you mean nothing?"_

_"Police came with Gustus. I've already made my plans on how to bring her down." Clarke stayed silent not wanting to know what the plan is._

_"I love you Clarke and I won't let harm come to you." Lexa had muttered under her breath. She didn’t mean to say it out loud for Clarke to hear._

_(Nia found out how attached Lexa is to Clarke,but luckily Octavia found the thugs early lingering outside of Clarke's house,and beat them up,and when Lincoln came that's how Octavia found out about the current situation and wanted to help.Lincoln made Octavia not to tell Clarke so it won't scare her.Of course Lexa didn't know she was safe, Nia did know that they don't have Clarke but since Lexa doesn't know she used this as a chance to beat her.)_

_"I do love you too and you know that."_

_Lexa too tired to even think and had let her guard completely gone just blurted out "I know Clarke but the love I feel for you is not the love I you think. I love you so much in a non-platonic way."_

_Clarke takes a deep breath and tries to calm herself. She never thought that Lexa had always felt for her that way. She knows that she is special to Lexa but loving her romantically is another story._

_"I'm not expecting an answer from you right away. If you don't feel the same it's fine, I'd want us to still be friends. You are too important to me."_

_When they were done and Clarke finished patching Lexa up she left her alone to rest._

_Clarke stops by Octavia to check on her._

_Octavia, Indra and Lincoln were in a deep conversation when she got there and didn't seem to notice her._

_"Blood must have blood isn't that your ways?Lexa could've died if we were a minute too late.Good thing I noticed those shitheads early.She was willing to risk her life for Clarke." Octavia said in a harsh tone._

_"Yes it is but she has specifically told us not to do anything. She had given Gustus the files and evidences that could put her Nia away and damage her name." Indra clenching her fists._

_"I know how you feel but this was her order and we don't have a choice but to follow." Lincoln tried to calm Octavia._

_"I can't believe she didn't even try to get back at her.She had a lot of opportunity to hit Nia back and I'm sure the police wouldn't care if she has a few bruises too. God if it were me I would've at least punch her face." Lincoln stops Octavia._

_"What's done is done Lexa had said her piece and that is to not fight back.She's not choosing to get back with violence. She chose to expose Nia and that's more damaging." Indra nods at what Lincoln had said._

_"Also I know for a fact Heda had wanted to punch her but she couldn’t risk it knowing that it could potentially endanger Clarke Griffin in the future in case someone decides to seek revenge." Indra added._

_"What do you mean?" Octavia asked._

_"Nia has offsprings, who knows they could've taken after their mother's sadistic nature. Do you follow me?" Octavia nods._

_"And given the nature of their relationship they could go after Clarke since she's an easier target. So if they saw what Lexa had done to their mother they'd probably do the same."_

_" **Don't harm her what you want is me, I am the one you want right? So please just beat me instead , take it out on me**."Lexa's voice came from a video being played taken earlier from a bodycam from one of the securities._

_"Love is weakness. She could've easily taken them out if she was willing to sacrifice a little." Indra had spoken again._

_"But then she wouldn't be Lexa. She loves Clarke too much,too selfless around her." Lincoln smiles._

_Indra sighs "And that is why we all follow her because she would never let her own people down or leave them."_

_Clarke quietly backs away and goes to her home._

_Jake Griffin was there with take-outs when Clarke grabs a few of them making a quick explanation where she's going._

_She stays with Lexa for a few days taking care of her._

_A few more days they had heard that Nia was being arrested and it had gone public. The court for some reason had not given her the max sentence but only 15 years._

_Lexa's mood had gone sour when she heard the news. The morning after Nia was taken to jail she received a letter from her. Clarke had seen it and tried to talk to Lexa not to go see her. Lexa insisted it will give her peace of mind._

_Lexa came home later than Clarke had anticipated. The next morning the news of Nia's sudden death was all over the news._

_(Clarke had thought it was Lexa who had done it but it wasn't. It was Nia's own son.)_

_It took a lot of convincing from Octavia and Lincoln that Nia's death was not Lexa's doing._

_(Between from trying to convince herself that Lexa isn't that kind of person and from the confession, Clarke couldn’t handle what was happening and she found herself avoiding Lexa.The feelings were overwhelming. That was when she started truly running away.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have any definite dates for updates on this fic but I will try my best to make it once a week. 
> 
> My life has been so lit these past 2 weeks (joke it is not). Depression had hit me so hard I couldn't move out of my bed and I was constantly crying.(An event that I do not want to relive, I've never experienced that before I think after watching ep 307 might have triggered it.) Also my aunt just underwent heart surgery and my mother has to help her. Since my mother won't be able to help my father in the family business I have to replace her hence reducing my time to do this. I hate doing part-time in the family business I can't believe I'm working 8-5 without even getting paid.
> 
> PS. Please take care of yourselves. Mentally and physically. God these past few days had been so exhausting to me mentally.


	6. What could go wrong:Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa tries to move on but of course fate likes to play around.

Lexa can feel her heart beating fast when she saw Clarke from the rearview mirror. She was thankful she just threw the money and bolted out and arrived at the hotel at a record time.

She had the car taken to valet and asked her suit taken to her room. She wasted no time to look for the CRI rep as she wants to prepare for the event early.There were quite a few people in the lobby and she considered calling Anya to help her fasten the process of looking for the said rep when a woman approached her.

 

"Ms. Lexa? My name is Luna I'm to bring you to the meeting." Lexa nods and follows her. She was taken to one of the function rooms where a bunch of people already sat around the round table.

Everyone stood up as they saw her come in and greeted her, some shaking her hand. After a few introductions she was led to a seat.

 

A man clears his throat "We'd actually like to thank you personally for a lot of things but most of all thank you for agreeing to meet us in such a short notice." Lexa nods and the man continues "The reason why we're having this meeting is to let you know that we had a breakthrough this morning with one of our newest experimental treatment. We'd like to inform you that during the event later we will be making an announcement about it and we know how you would like to keep it anonymous but this time through some of your contributions we've managed to achieve something big."

 

Another person chimed in "We're telling you beforehand because we are also aware how you hate surprises. So later at the event after announcing the new treatment there will be a speech given by our team lead about you and how you've been deeply involved with the project" Lexa was about to protest when the person puts her hand up stopping her "we know you also don't like that but our PR team has met with your PR team to discuss this. It will be both beneficial for both parties and your PA actually gave us the greenlight for it.

_"Mental note: reduce Anya's salary."_ Lexa had thought begrudgingly.

 

"That is fine. Another reason for this is so that I can prepare a speech myself am I right?" Lexa had said.

"Yes. We were informed to tell you that the speech must not be 5 minutes long.""That is not a problem. Is there anything else?"Some of the people started fidgeting and looking at Lexa nervously."Uhm would it be possible to get a picture with you?" one of them asked.Lexa just smiled because she herself got nervous too thinking something bad has happened. "Yes of course it is not a problem."

 

After taking a group photo she lingered a little longer some had requested taking selfies with her.

 

When it looked like everyone was satisfied she excused herself and leaves. She sighs and looks at her watch 5:00 pm. _Shit party starts at 8 and I still have to do write a speech. Ungh I guess quick shower to refresh myself. I guess getting a room was a great idea after all._  


 

Lexa quickly dries herself after the shower and wears a bathrobe first. She goes to the nightstand and got some paper and a pen from her bag.

 

  
_Well here goes..._  Lexa had kept on glancing on her watch every 5 minutes and before she knows it an hour has passed. _Shit 7:10 pm_  then she looks back at her speech _2 paragraphs that should be fine? I mean the most important thing is mentioning the breakthrough and congratulate them right??_  She keeps on tapping the pen on the table then decides that the speech is fine. _Fuck it there are more pressing matters._  She thinks of ways avoiding Clarke. She got up and started dressing herself.

 

Donning the suit she decided to pair it with classic brown Italian shoes and a Rolex with a leather strap. She glances at a pair of black leather gloves debating whether to wear it or not.

 

======================================================

_"Your hands are so cold and it's summer!" Clarke stated as they walked around the beach holding Lexa's hands to keep her close. (Party and Lexa doesn't mix well especially on an open area.)_

 

_"Sorry."_

 

_Clarke looks back at Lexa and smiles "I like it." Lexa smiles back and Clarke continued "You know they said that the people with cold hands often had warm hearts and I think it's true. Despite your cold exterior deep down you are a big mush, a big romantic sap! No wonder people go crazy on you!"_

 

_"What? What do you mean go crazy on me?" Lexa stops walking and gives Clarke a questioning look._

 

_Clarke turns around and looks at Lexa giving her a questioning look too "Uhm at school a lot of girls are crushing on you? Some are starting to question their sexuality because of you."_

 

_"Oh." Lexa can feel her cheeks flush "I- that's... flattering I guess? And how do you know I'm, to quote you a big romantic sap?"_

 

_Clarke shrugs at the question "Costia would sometimes brag about the things you've done when you go out." She starts walking towards the bar. (Clarke had felt jealous when Costia would tell them stories of how Lexa is just so perfect as a lover.)_

 

_Lexa follows Clarke, she also starts drinking with her "I guess in the end even if I'm a big romantic sap it is still not enough if I can't keep the girl." (Costia had broken up with Lexa and decided that they were better off as friends. She was aware of Lexa working hard to love her instead of Clarke but clearly it never worked.)_

_**For you**.Lexa thought **I was thinking of you when I had done those gestures and I wished you were at the receiving end.**_

_Clarke takes Lexa's hand and intertwines their fingers. "I wish Finn would do those things... I mean the most romantic gesture he's ever done for me was a rose, a box of chocolate, a fancy dinner then fancy hotel room only because it was Valentine's and it was done only once. I mean I understand we're in college and trying to learn how to budget and all but I'd appreciate it very much even if it's just coffee in the morning you know?" Clarke glances at Lexa and she holds her hands tighter (Clarke remembers how the two of them would bring breakfast to each other if the other one had a tiring day). "Don't worry you'll find someone who will never get tired of your grand romantic gestures."_

_Lexa looks down at their hands **You. I've already found someone and that's you**. "I like how your hands are warm."_

 

_Clarke smiles "It's like they're meant to be don't they?" she begins to swing their hands and starts walking. Lexa revels in this simple affection. She'd take anything she can get._

 

_"Come on let's leave this party it's way more boring than I thought." Clarke walks to the direction of the hotel. "I'm thinking of sleeping early so we could wake up and watch the sunrise."_

 

_"OK." Lexa nods._

 

_That night they slept holding hands._

_Clarke true to her words despite being not a fan of waking up early didn't protest when Lexa woke her to sit outside the balcony to watch the sunrise. They fell in a comfortable silence while waiting and Lexa could see Clarke was looking for something. Clarke had reached out taking Lexa's left hand. "I really love holding your hands, they fit like a glove don't you think?"_

 

_Lexa merely nods and looks away._

 

_(Lexa had never felt more heartbroken when Clarke had let go of her hand seeing Finn from a distance when they arrived home.)_

 

============================================================

Lexa looks at her hands flexing her fingers after wearing the leather gloves. She had gone out of her room and went to the party.

 

7:45 pm, there was a significant amount of guests and she watches as more arrived. She had settled herself on the bar nursing a drink. _Liquid courage._  (Lexa never really liked public speaking, she always had to psyche herself before making one.)

 

She felt someone sat beside her. It was Luna.

 

"Can I offer you a drink?" Lexa motioned at the bartender.

 

Luna had chuckled "Sounds tempting but I'll have to decline... wouldn't want to make a fool out of myself during the presentation."

 

Lexa tilts her head and looks at Luna about to ask her something when Luna boldly holds Lexa's free hand. 

 

Lexa looks down on their hands. (She had missed this, physical connection. At that moment it didn't matter who it was coming from.) She looks back at Luna. _Well she's not bad looking and one night wouldn't hurt._  


"May I ask why you're wearing gloves?" Luna was about to let go of her hand but Lexa held it in place. Luna looked at her with a smirk.

 

Lexa decides to flirt "I thought it looks good together with this outfit. Plus the leather feels nice on the skin." She begins to rub her thumb around Luna's knuckles and she can see goosebumps appearing on her arm. Lexa smirks.

 

(She wasn't aware that Clarke was at the party and was staring at her intently)

 

"Today had been a good day to me after our groundbreaking discovery but I think you flirting with me beats that." Luna stands and Lexa follows but Luna stops her "I like you Ms.Lexa but I have a presentation to make and you have your speech. Maybe after that we can continue whatever this is." Luna leans closer and whispers to Lexa's ear. "I wouldn't mind one night with you if that's what you want." Luna leaves a stunned Lexa.

 

A host announces that the event was starting and everybody starts to look at the center stage.

 

"Hello everyone and good evening. Welcome to the annual charity party for the Cancer Research Institute where all your proceeds will be put into supporting the developments of various cancer treatments. Tonight will be a special night as we have a very important announcement to make. Please welcome Dr. Luna!"

 

"Good evening everyone it's great to be here. I'm Dr. Luna and I am the head researcher of TRIKRU. Our team is a member of the CRI." A slide show starts playing at a big screen. "At TRIKRU we are developing a machine designed to locate cancer cells and eliminate them but what makes this different from the others? With the help of some programmers they've managed to make a code that can locate hidden cancer cells and predict the probability of where and when the next growth could happen. During the testing stage it has shown to be effective and managed 70% accuracy rate. Now 70% may seem low but still we are still in development making adjustments and improvements. Our team would like to personally thank Ms. Lexa Woods who have shown nothing but support to us from day 1 and she was responsible for our initial funding. Before I forget don't think that we don't know you also helped in coding the program. We've heard from the programmers that you helped them when they were stuck on some particular code."

 

A spotlight was focused on Lexa and she smiled and waved as people gave applause.

 

"Ms. Woods would you like to give a few words?" Luna had smirked on the stage. Lexa shakes her head but of course it's not like she had a choice.

 

While walking towards the stage she took her speech out. Her hands started shaking.

 

She groans _Fuck not now. Thank god the gloves sort of work as covers._  


She got up the stage and Luna gave her a quick hug. Lexa scanned the room and saw Clarke with Octavia. Clarke was looking at her intently, almost glaring. Lexa had gulped. Luna may have sensed something wrong so she touched her shoulder, and Lexa glanced at her. Luna gave her a reassuring smile and Lexa gave a thin smile.

 

Lexa cleared her throat and tried to look anywhere but Clarke's direction, the speech on her hand forgotten.

 

"Hello I am Lexa Woods, CEO of HOPE Investments. Some of you might not know my father but he was a software developer and had worked on some of the apps that can be found on the phone today.There were hits and misses but he loved his job. He was also involved in a lot of startup companies. Though we did not have a lot of money he believed in some and spent time,money and effort investing in them. A lot of those startups are doing great now." Lexa momentarily shifts her feet. "Sadly he had passed because of cancer hence why I've always been heavily involved in medical charities and institutes.The company that I had today wouldn't be possible without the hard work of my father. He had always worked ignoring the pain and he always made sure that I would never experience being poor. We've always heard how painful having a certain kind of illness is and I just can't imagine how my father had tried to live bearing that pain everyday. With the money he had left me I decided to do what he also did, believing in people and invest in their plans. Today when I heard the news that TRIKRU made a breakthrough I've never felt happier. I hope that people will still continue to at least devote some of their resources in researches like this because they are worth it, they are not a waste of money." Lexa takes a flute of champagne from a waiter below the stage. "Losing someone we love can be a painful..." She makes a quick glance to Clarke "I lost my father at a young age and I don't want others to experience that feeling. I want to make a toast ... to _those we have_ _lost... and to those we shall_  soon  _find._ " Everyone lifts their drink, "Also to the TRIKRU team for doing a remarkable job." Lexa faces Luna and lifts a drink to her direction.

 

After the speech Lexa got down the stage together with Luna. It didn't take long for Abby Griffin to come talk to her.

 

"Lexa!" Abby had pulled her into a hug. "I'm so proud of you! I can't believe you kept this a secret."

 

"It wasn't really a secret it just never came up?" Abby had released Lexa from the hug. Luna was still standing behind Lexa when Abby smiled at her.

 

"Dr.Luna congratulations!"Abby had her hands out.

 

"Dr.Griffin it's an honor." Luna took the outstretched hand and shook it.

 

Lexa put her hand on the back of Luna. "If you'll excuse us for a moment I'd like to drink with Dr. Luna here."

 

Abby wiggled her eyebrow "So you two together?"

 

"No, not really just testing the waters see how this night will go." Lexa had said. In the corner of her eye she saw Clarke coming near them which led Lexa to panic mode. "Have a great night Dr. Griffin." She said quickly and pushed Luna lightly and started walking towards the exit.

 

"Lexa wai-" Lexa had cut Luna off "You said you would not mind one night does the offer still stand?"

 

"Yeah of course." Lexa had quickly walked towards the elevator and pushed the button hoping that Clarke won't catch them.  (But of course fate just has to play a wicked game as she entered the elevator Luna was pulled presumably by Octavia and Clarke got in with her.)

 

Lexa could only look at her wide-eyed. She can feel a panic attack coming.

 

"Don't." was all Lexa could say when she felt Clarke take her hand. She tries to calm herself looking down she quickly pulls her hands away. (She hated how despite wearing those leather gloves she could feel the burning sensation of where Clarke had touched her.) The elevator door opens and she quickly steps out. Clarke had followed and stayed quiet.

 

Lexa had faced her then. "What are you doing here Clarke?" (Lexa can feel the tears ready to fall. All those years of waiting she's not going to show weakness now.) 

 

"You said you'd wait for me and just now you were about to bring a girl into your room?"

 

Lexa had snapped she felt a pang in her heart "4 years Clarke! I've waited for 4 years! During those times you've went out with several others while I was still stuck waiting for you! I get lonely too you know and it was offered freely!Now I had decided to move past you because you clearly could not give a shit about me, why don't you just leave me alone!" Lexa quickly tried to enter her room but somehow Clarke managed to push past the closing door.

 

Clarke catches one of Lexa's wrist and she pulled her into a hug. Lexa was struggling trying to break it but Clarke only tightened the hug. (Lexa could easily break from the hug but she could never hurt Clarke.)

 

"Tell me Lexa that I'm not too late. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you, I'm sorry for ignoring you. I love you."

 

Lexa stiffened. Tears finally flowing she couldn't stop it. "No,no you don't get to do this. It's not fair."

 

Clarke also started crying. "Please. You have to understand I was afraid. After what happened to Nia-"

 

"I've told you over and over again that I had nothing to do with it. I had promised you that I would protect you."

 

Clarke buried her face in Lexa's shoulders "I know. Just give me a chance."

 

"Why? Why now? Because Finn is gone? Because you're alone? I can't keep on being your second choice! Do you know how much it hurts? One moment you were all over me then the next you push me aside when someone else comes along!"

 

Clarke hasn't still let go and they stayed silent for a while. Lexa caved, she was tired. She was so tired she just wants to get this over with.

 

Lexa starts pushing Clarke towards the couch. "Sit." Lexa had commanded and Clarke follows. Lexa sat opposite of her.

 

"Fine you wanted to talk... so talk."

 

Lexa was always weak for Clarke. She understands her, they both understand each other (Lexa hated how she could never hate Clarke because she understands her. The fear of commitment, the fear of being with Lexa because of the danger that had came with her.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a short chapter.
> 
> I've discovered that after reading some other fics it kind of looks like a rip-off from the others. Like the story format or the story in general. (I'm sorry it was never my intention to do it). Also this is actually my first attempt to write an actual multi-chapter fic. I'm trying to practice finding my voice. (I'm doing plans to write a book as it has been always a dream of mine.) 
> 
>  
> 
> It's always better to open your business instead of working in one.
> 
> Pros of working in family business: I don't really have to pay for anything if I have to buy something.
> 
> Cons: 7:30am-5:30pm(sometimes until 6pm)  
> Very hot.  
> I don't have salary.   
> I don't save any money or put money in the bank.


	7. Pour it out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally pours her heart out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally an update. I CAN'T wait for season finale, I'll finally be free.

Clarke and Octavia had went back to the Griffin house to prepare for the party.

"I can't wait for the party Clarke. It's gonna be so awesome.""Wow tone down the sarcasm O. Fuck help me with make-up?""Yeah sure. What about your mom?""I don't know I think she'll go there directly from the hospital, she did call us a ride though, she figured we'd be drinking so we have a chaperon.""Awesome! I'm gonna drink so much because heck it could be my last."Clarke just rolled her eyes and Octavia hits her."Hey don't do that while I'm in the middle of doing your eyes jeez.""Sorry, sorry. Now make me look hot."They spent an hour preparing when their ride has arrived."Let's leave now while it's not rush hour. Wouldn't want to be late." Octavia had said while they were checking for finishing touches."Yeah sure, got everything you need?"Octavia looks around "Yeah phone,keys and wallets in the purse, how about yours?"Clarke checks hers too "Everythings here. Alright let's go?""Want some pre-drinks?"Clarke snorts "No, I want to be sober for this."Octavia frowns "Well I don't so I'm having some.""Fine you can have some try not to trash yourself early we've got a job to do."Clarke had to stop Octavia after downing her 4th shot of vodka. "O! I still need you to be my muscle and I would need you sober!""Relax Clarke my alcohol tolerance has greatly increased thanks to college. I'm sure between the two of us yours particularly is greater than mine.""That's...true. Anyway you can drink all you want later...just... god I'll need all the help tonight."They both left the house and got into the car.Clarke was restless, her mind was playing out scenarios for when she confronts Lexa. Octavia just looks at Clarke from her side. "For some reason I have this gut feeling that this is your last chance Clarke. So you better think of a plan."Clarke looks at Octavia and frowns "Your gut feeling was always the worse.""But they've always been right."Clarke had repeated and nodded "And they've always been right."  
===============================  
They got to the party a little bit early. Once they were in the first thing Clarke did was to look for Lexa."Clarke! Hey Clarke at least try to put a smile on your face you're scaring people and this is a public event people will be taking pictures so tone it down yeah?""Well I'm sorry O, I can't help it! Help me look for her!""I am, I am, but shouldn't you be like talking to people first or at least find your mom?"Clarke huffs and puts her hands up in defeat "God no wonder Lexa hates social events especially something like these. Ungh fine let's look for my mom."Clarke stopped mid-way when she saw a familiar figure at the bar. Octavia had bumped to her back."Fuck Clarke why did you stop?" Clarke didn’t move and Octavia followed Clarke's line of vision. "Oh shit." Octavia had muttered. She looked at Clarke and can feel her inner turmoil.Clarke reached out to Octavia "O, tell me what you see."Octavia cleared her throat "Uhm, well...  Some lady who looks like is... trying to flirt? Just held Lexa's hand and then right now Lexa is rubbing her thumb on the said lady's knuckles?""What the hell! She's never done things like that! She's always hated physical affections especially coming from unfamiliar people!""Well maybe she is familiar to her Clarke. Did you keep tabs on her?? Because last I remember you didn’t even bother watching the TV when she shows up. You either close the TV or go to your room.You never watched her interviews or read articles about her.""What about you? Do you read stuff about her?"Octavia shakes her head "I'd be a fool to believe about tabloids or gossips about her."Clarke didn't had the right to be angry but she couldn't help it. She was jealous, she was miserable."Clarke! Honey! Over here!" Clarke managed to calm herself when she heard Abby calling her. She turned around and saw Abby surrounded by a few people.Octavia nudged her side.  "Aaaand that's your cue. I'll be at the bar."Clarke stops Octavia "Oh no you don't, not yet. I'll need you to stick with me for a while."Octavia huffs "Fine."They walk towards Abby."Hey Mrs. Griffin don't mind me just making sure Clarke here doesn’t get in trouble." Octavia had said sarcastically."Well just make sure to enjoy yourself." Abby looks at Clarke "Anyway have you heard they're making a special announcement tonight."Clarke couldn’t careless about the event all she wants is Lexa. It's always been her. She wants her home. Lexa has always been home. They were interrupted when the emcee had made an early announcement.Clarke couldn’t focus on what was happening, she had her eyes on Lexa the whole time. She tried to hold back her tears when she saw the woman lean into Lexa. _That could've been me. Fuck._ She saw the woman leave her side. Contemplating to make her move she didn't notice that people around her were clapping. The next thing she saw, Lexa stood up and was walking towards the stage.Clarke can see that Lexa was tense. Clarke can still see her hands visibly shaking even with the gloves on.Looking at Lexa's hands she shudders remembering how good it felt holding those hands. Clarke never left her sight on Lexa and she swore for a second Lexa had seen her. When Lexa had finished, Clarke tried to get to her but she was being stopped by people giving her pleasantries. She saw Lexa make her way to the woman putting her hand on the said woman's back.There were a lot of people coming to her and she couldn't just be rude to them there were reporters and it wouldn't be good for her reputation. Luckily Clarke sees Abby approach Lexa and Octavia was at Clarke's side pulling her away from the people.The brief exchange with Abby had given her time to catch up but it seems Lexa was intent on avoiding her. It looked like Lexa was trying to leave quickly with the woman when Lexa had saw Clarke walking towards her."O she's going to the lobby. Help me get the girl off Lexa!""Ok but how do I do it though?" Both of them made their way to the lobby following Lexa to the elevator."Pull some moves on her? What have you learned in your martial arts lessons?""Nothing that involves not hurting her? Fuck Clarke we should've think this through! I don't want to go to jail! That lady is a big deal!" Octavia had started panicking a little putting her hands up and down.They were a few steps behind them."Shit O elevators here! Grab and pull her then I go in!""Fuuuck you'll bail me right? No matter the amount?""Yes, yes and I'll be forever in your debt! You can have my first born or whatever!"Octavia took a deep breath and muttered "Fucking hell the things I do for friends." before quickly grabbing the wrist of the woman and pulled her, spinning her around like they had just done the waltz. Lexa looked at them wide-eyed and Clarke got in before the elevator door closed.The woman had managed to get her balance back before out-maneuvering Octavia letting her lose her balance and throw her down.Octavia was surprised with the sudden turn of events she didn't think the woman would know self-defense "Who are you and what do you want!" the woman had asked pinning Octavia around her neck with her arm."I'm so sorry lady! I panicked! I'm a nobody I swear I didn't mean to do anything to anyone!"The woman had narrowed her eyes "You had a nice grip," she pushed her arm harder "do you personally know Lexa? Are you after her? I know she's rich but I'm sure she can handle herself better than me.""What?" Octavia puts her hands beside her head letting the woman know she's surrendering "no, no, no I don't care about her money, I can afford my own needs and wants I don't need more. I just want the drama to be over and it's not like I wanted to do this." Octavia looked at the elevator "Fucking Clarke, if she only took my advice back then, this wouldn't have happened and everybody would've been living in their own happy endings." Octavia grumbled under her breath then sighed and just completely rested her head on the floor."Wait did you say Clarke? Clarke Griffin Arkadia's most sought out artist?""Yeah? Maybe?" It was Octavia's turn to narrow her eyes at the woman."She's the one who got in the elevator? What's her relationship with Lexa?"Octavia groaned now feeling the alcohol in her system . "Uhm well look lady that's kind of a private information and could you please get off me now? I might do something I regret, I'm feeling the alcohol in my head.I promise I won't do anything I swear I just panicked and it was a stupid reflex. Fuck and honestly now I think it's the alcohol talking.""Luna.""What?"  Octavia felt Luna get off her feeling the body weight off her she slowly got up."Dr. Luna, stop calling me lady I doubt our age are that far off. Maybe if you were paying attention instead of drinking you'd know." she holds out her hand seeing Octavia having a little trouble getting up.Octavia grabs it accepting the help "Thanks."Luna had a contemplative face and Octavia caught on. " If you have any questions ask away.""Will you give me answers?""Depends.""Do they care about each other?"

 

"If the world ever goes to shit and they got separated I'm sure they'll always find their way back together. Fate always does with them."

===================================  
Clarke is sure that Lexa can hear her heart beating fast and loud with the silence in the elevator. When she saw Lexa just staring at her not moving and not breathing she realized Lexa was starting to have a panic attack. Clarke reached out and took Lexa's hand to soothe her.

 

"Don't." Clarke heard Lexa and she had let go. She didn’t want to make the attack worse. The elevator had arrived on the designated floor and Lexa had managed to walk out. Clarke trailed behind her.

 

In front of the door Lexa had stopped and faced Clarke.

 

"What are you doing here Clarke?"

 

"You said you'd wait for me and just now you were about to bring a girl into your room?" Clarke can see the tremble on Lexa's lips. She never meant to hurt her again. The last thing she expected was Lexa raising her voice at her.

 

"4 years Clarke! I've waited for 4 years!" Clarke swallowed hard she didn't know that Lexa had been suffering for that long. "During those times you've went out with several others while I was still stuck waiting for you! I get lonely too you know and it was offered freely!Now I had decided to move past you because you clearly could not give a shit about me, why don't you just leave me alone!" Clarke had remembered in the span of 4 years how many people she'd gone out with in an attempt to forget and then there was Lexa who had been alone. When Clarke just stood there and took it all in Lexa used that time to go into her room but Clarke had noticed and she tried to push past the door.

 

She wasn't thinking straight and she couldn't just leave without saying anything so she caught Lexa's wrist and pulled her giving her a tight hug. She felt Lexa struggling and tightened the hold. Clarke managed to slip the words she's always wanted to tell her.

 

"Tell me Lexa that I'm not too late. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for leaving you, I'm sorry for ignoring you. I love you."

 

Clarke felt Lexa's body go rigid. Then she felt something wet on her arms. Lexa was crying and those were her tears. Clarke couldn't hold back her tears and they started flowing too.

 

"No,no you don't get to do this. It's not fair." Clarke heard Lexa said with a trembling voice. For some reason Lexa only becomes weak around Clarke.

 

"Please. You have to understand I was afraid. After what happened to Nia-" Clarke was truly afraid that time not just for herself but for Lexa.

 

"I've told you over and over again that I had nothing to do with it. I had promised you that I would protect you." Clarke knows that Lexa was always true to her words. Even if it meant Lexa sacrificing herself for Clarke.

 

She couldn't say anything so she buried her face in Lexa's shoulder, she couldn't look at Lexa's face, not when Lexa's crying and knowing she was the cause of those tears. A few moments all she could say was "I know. Just give me a chance."

 

"Why? Why now? Because Finn is gone? Because you're alone? I can't keep on being your second choice! Do you know how much it hurts? One moment you were all over me then the next you push me aside when someone else comes along!"

 

Clarke could feel Lexa trying to get out of her hold. The next thing Clarke knows she was being pushed towards the nearby couch and Lexa telling her to sit.

 

Lexa had sat opposite of her. "Fine you wanted to talk... so talk." Clarke could see Lexa clenching and unclenching her hands.

 

Clarke swallows hard letting the tears stop and she waited until both of them calmed down a little.

 

After a tense moment Lexa had sighed loudly. Clarke had tried to clear her throat.

 

"When?"

 

Clarke had looked up to Lexa.

 

"What?" Lexa asked with a confused tone.

 

"When did you fall in love with me."

 

Lexa eyes her for a moment "If I answer that then you'll also have to tell me yours."

 

"Fine."

 

"10"

 

Clarke had raised her eyebrows and she saw Lexa shot her a look, that "don't fucking ask" look and Clarke just shakes her head. "13."

 

It was Lexa's turn to raise her brows with a questioning look then it turned into a frown. "If you've felt that way since, why did you date some other people? I came out to you when we were 15. I've also dropped some hints that I've liked you more as a friend."

 

"I was afraid you know after losing dad. If we were to be more than friends and things didn't work out I don't think I could take it. Losing you would be like losing half of me. Can you blame me?"

 

Clarke could see Lexa thinking but she continued "The day you came home half beaten to death, I was so afraid. When you confessed to me I was happy but I also became so afraid. Your life was in constant danger because of some crazy bitch and her family and in extension people around you were in danger too. I was a target wasn't I? My mother could be too. When you thought Nia really had me you were willing to get yourself killed for me."

 

Lexa had put a stoic face "How did you know that? I told Octavia not to tell you anything."

 

"She didn't. I overheard her with Indra and Lincoln when I went to check on her."

 

"Clarke when I said that I will protect you, I meant it. And not just you but also your mother. I won't let anyone harm the people I care."

 

Clarke for some reason had this nagging feeling. "I know Lexa but think about yourself for once! IF - if YOU died... how do you think I would feel? You always go on about protecting me that you'd even go so far to die for me even if it means protecting me! You didn't think far ahead if you die you think I'd be happy? You think that I'd be able to live my life without you? You want to know one of the reason why I left? It's because of this! I was so afraid of you that you'd lay down your life for me! I thought that maybe if I left you for sometime and I fall for somebody else it would hurt less if anything happens to you! I just had this thought that if I left you maybe... maybe you'd start living more and not stick with me! See the world to mend your broken heart and realize that everything is more than just surviving!"

 

Clarke held her gaze on Lexa "But I guess in the end what it did to us was hurt us more. I missed you so much. I missed some milestones in your life and I hated myself because you celebrated it on your own. I hated myself because I wasn't on your side or be your plus one on events. I hated how you weren't my plus one on my events. I hated myself because maybe if I just also told you that I love you then we would've been so happy that people around us would've wished they had our love. Also I hated myself because I'm the one who has hurt you the most and made you cry multiple times because I'm a big fucking coward and an idiot."

 

Clarke stood up and walked towards Lexa. She had put her hands on Lexa's cheeks making Lexa look at her.

 

"I was jealous when you were dating Costia. I was angry because I wished I was at the receiving end on your grand romantic gestures. I was angry at myself for not breaking up with Finn earlier when you and Costia had ended it. I felt guilty when I slept with other people ignoring your feelings because I thought maybe, just maybe you will find someone better than me and you do deserve better than me but that always backfired and I always saw that pain in your face when you found out about it. I hate how I always brag that I know and understand you the most out of anyone in your life, I know how hard it takes for you to make friends and let others in yet I chose to leave you alone because of my selfishness. Having feelings for you made me irrational, I hated having these negative feelings and you know how I confront things, I kind of run away from it and face it when it bites me back in the ass hard. I thought loving you would make me a mad woman."

 

Clarke wiped Lexa's tears when they started forming again. "But loving you also makes me the happiest woman because you are the best thing that has happened to me. Do you remember when we first met?"

 

Lexa had nodded and Clarke continued "We were 5 and you just moved in. You and your father came to our house and introduced yourselves. I remember you were standing at the back of your dad holding on his pants peeking out staring at us wide-eye. You looked so afraid at that moment I promised myself if I ever became your friend I'd protect you." Clarke laughed at that thought "I was such a kid, protect you from what? I guess maybe you looked so innocent that I wanted to protect you from the world." 

 

Clarke started kissing Lexa's tear-stained cheeks. "If you'd let me, please give me this one last chance. I'm not letting you go now that I have you here again."

 

"No." Lexa had removed Clarke's hands from her face. "I don't know if I can still trust you." Lexa stood up walking towards the bathroom. "I'm tired of chasing you, I'm tired of this. Us. I'd rather be alone."

 

"I'll prove it to you that I don't want anybody else, I want you."

 

Lexa shrugs then slowly started removing her ties. Clarke eyes her  _She's really tired. Shit. Great Clarke good going._  


 

"I don't know Clarke. How do you want to prove it to me?" Lexa removed her blazer then and slowly unbuttoned her shirt. Clarke had gulped seeing how sexy Lexa was undressing.

 

"What do you want me to do Lexa?" Clarke was starting to forget how to breathe.  _Fuck not right now. Why am I getting turned on?? Damn it Griffin stop staring!_  


 

Lexa continues "What I want right now is for you to leave."

 

Clarke was surprised at the answer. It wasn't a rejection, it felt like Lexa passed the ball to her side. 

 

"All right." Clarke nods and starts to make her way to the door.

 

"1 week." Clarke turns her head to look at Lexa. Lexa had her back facing her when she said again "I'll be here for 1 more week."

 

"When are you going back home?"

"Tomorrow. I only booked it for an overnight stay because I'm too tired to drive and I did drink so it's not really advisable for me to drive back tonight."

"Goodnight then Lexa. See you tomorrow."

Hope fills Clarke's chest. _I'm not going to screw this up._

_(Clarke never imagined how loving someone could hurt yet feel good at the same time. She never imagined how much it hurts when Lexa had said no and now she can't stop thinking Lexa's pain was more from putting up with her all these years yet still she was given a chance.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry update took a while and also for a short chapter. Went to Singapore on April 29-may 3 then my mother had to go to china for 2 weeks so I was helping in the family biz. Still not getting paid and god I can't wait to be finally free from this show. Will probably spend my day drinking at TGIF after watching T___T anyone in Philippines can probably hit me up and I'll buy you a drink and we'll wallow in grief together.


	8. A bit torn: Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mix of both character's perspective. Lexa is still a bit torn battling her internal thoughts and tries to be honest with Clarke.

Lexa couldn’t believe what had happened. She was surprised with Clarke's sudden confession. Much more admitting that Clarke had fell in love with her when they were 13. She pinched the bridge of her nose trying to ignore the incoming headache. Today was just too much for her and she was so exhausted she fell asleep with her shirt half unbuttoned and slacks on.

Lexa wakes up feeling groggy. She also had to go to the bathroom with her bladder about to burst.She groaned the whole time she was in the bathroom thinking it was the worst hangover she had in years despite not drinking too much. After going to the bathroom she realized she didn't exactly bring a change of clothes and decided to go back home to freshen up. Looking at the time it was still early 7:00 am but still went to the lobby and had herself checked out.While waiting for her car at the valet she decides to make a mental note on what her agenda for today would be. Having told Clarke that she'd be staying for a week she dreads at the thought of having to hang out with her now that Clarke is talking to her again. The sense of unfamiliarity after not being together for 4 years, she kind of hates it. Everything is different now, both her and Clarke are different people than they were 4 years ago, Lexa had been more closed off and she doesn't deny that. Not letting people in, she treats everyone with the same courtesy and respect not wanting to lead people on that she wants more. She's done well being alone, a little bit lighter since she stopped caring about others, how it was easier to live without worrying about others.  
-  
Clarke was sitting on Lexa's porch deciding to wait for her. She tries to remember some weird events that has transpired last night.

She left together with Octavia who somehow managed to make a friend out of the woman that was hitting on Lexa.

 

  
_"Hey Clarke this is Dr.Luna. She's pretty cool." Luna extended her hand and Clarke took it who didn't want to seem rude she had after all probably ruined her night by being pulled out of the elevator and getting laid. Clarke clears her throat "Hey yeah hi nice to meet you."_

 _Luna raised an eyebrow "Yes likewise... so you're the famous Clarke Griffin. Your works certainly has added some color around our workplace. A dull setting kind of lowers the mood, makes work slower."_ _Clarke looked at her with confusion, Luna continued. "Well our great lead investor who of  course we consider as our boss would usually visit from time to time and she'd bring some things to the workplace once in a while. To boost morale as she would say, most of it were your paintings. And by our boss I mean Lexa. I never got to meet her officially until today because I had a commitment at the hospital as a pediatric surgeon I only drop by late evening and usually she's gone then. I can feel that she's handpicked them carefully and she certainly loves them. I've heard from some guys that she would often stop and stare at the paintings and make a small smile to herself."_ _Clarke was silent she didn't know what to do with that information. She's known sometimes that people would buy it under an anonymous name for different reasons. Much more she didn't think Lexa would know about her career or her exhibits.Lexa kind of made it clear she stopped during dinner with her mom. Had Lexa been always keeping tabs on her? Was Lexa the one who had actually helped launched her career? There were a lot of questions and tomorrow Clarke will be determined to get some answers._ _Octavia nudged her lightly "Hey earth to Clarke? What happened up there?"_ _"Oh uh... well we...talked."_ _"About?"_ _"Stuff... Poured out some feelings that turns out has been there for almost a decade for me and more for her."_ _"No shit pretty sure she's liked you since they day she moved here."_ _"Hey O I'm uhh...I'm a bit exhausted."_ _"All right why don't we continue in the car." Octavia turns to Luna. "So uhm I'm sorry again and uhh we're leaving now. Have a pleasant evening." Octavia awkwardly bows while walking backwards towards the exit holding Clarke's arm. Luna just waves back and nods. Clarke looks at Octavia "What was that?"_ _"What was?"_ _"I don't know why are you being weird around Luna?"_ _"Turns out she's a badass. She kinda whipped my ass."_ _"What??" Their car arrived and piled into the backseat._ _Octavia sighs "She's cool. Anyway enough about her what about you?"_ _"She's giving me a chance I think."_ _"You think?"_ _"Well she told me she'll be staying here for a week."_ _"And??"_ _"That's it and she told me to leave because she's feeling tired and I didn't want to push her so I left. I mean it felt like she's giving me a chance right? That's why she told me how long she'll be here."_ _Octavia shrugs "I guess? So what's your plan now? What are you gonna do to win her back?"_ _Clarke looks out of the window "I have no idea." (Clarke was never good at long term planning, it was always Lexa. She was better coming up with plans at the spur of the moment.)_ _They parted ways when they got to the suburbs. Octavia gave Clarke a hug before leaving. "Call me if you need anything. I'd be happy to help."_ _"Thanks O."_ While trying to enter the house she glanced at her neighbor's, Lexa's house. Clarke now feels like an idiot for leaving. What if Lexa had lied, what if she wasn't going to go to her house. She'd had no way to contact her. She doesn't know if she still uses the same number. Lexa could also check out of the current hotel and stay at a different one to throw her off. Clarke shakes her head, "No Lexa isn't like that. She keeps her words."She proceeds to her room, removing her make-up and dress and changes to her pajamas. She tries to sleep but it never came.  Ever since 4 years ago she's had a hard time sleeping. Her mind would always keep her awake. The next thing she knows she was walking towards Lexa's house.  
-  
Lexa drove back to her house surprised that Clarke was outside of the porch. Clarke sat curled up wearing her pj's waiting for her.Lexa was hesitant to approach her but she needed to park the car and she was desperate to go in and take a shower.Clarke must have heard the engine when Lexa saw Clarke's head perk up. Clarke gives her an awkward wave and Lexa didn't know how to respond so she just reached into the compartment to get the remote for the garage door. When she had the car parked she walked to the front door where Clarke was waiting for her.They both just stood neither looking at each other but at the ground when Clarke decided to break the silence first."You're home."Lexa can feel Clarke's gaze then and she decides to look up too.A big mistake.Lexa can see Clarke's face closer now and she looked more beautiful. Her eyes were so blue and there was a glint of hopefulness. Lexa at this point doesn't know if she still wants to let Clarke back in or even continue whatever this is for them."Yeah. Home." was all Lexa could reply. Silence falls again and Lexa was starting to feel uncomfortable. She started rubbing the back of her neck. "Uhm...I'm going in now. Take a shower and change my clothes."Clarke takes a sidestep "Oh yeah sure." she keeps on glancing between Lexa and the door.Lexa picks up the hint and sighs in defeat. "Do you want to come in? You must be cold how long have you been out here?""Oh not long just- a while."Lexa starts walking towards the door and unlocks it. She makes a hand sweeping gesture signaling Clarke to go in first.Once inside Lexa looks at Clarke who was looking around the house."Nothing has changed huh?""I don't know I haven't really taken a good look. I didn't really move anything after father's passing and when I left, but I had asked my secretary to personally oversee when the cleaners are here every few months though I doubt they'd also move anything without permission."Clarke picks up some framed pictures near the TV and sits on the sofa. "Hey remember this? Christmas 2007 when I destroyed you in monopoly?" In the picture was 15 year-old Lexa scowling with her arms crossed looking at the monopoly board and 15 year-old Clarke mid-jump with a grin on her face."That was one time Clarke. The only time I've lost.""A loss is a loss but hey you decimated me the next 3 years."Lexa was standing near the stairs feeling more down now remembering some memories.(Clarke had made an excuse on wanting to spend Christmas with Finn the year Lexa had confessed. It's not like they made it a tradition but they had nearly spent every Christmas together since they were 5 and both families loved celebrating together. Lexa had celebrated that year together with the Abby and Jake but it wasn't the same now that her father was gone and Clarke was slowly slipping away. Abby and Jake tried to make it festive for Lexa though to lift her spirits and she appreciates the gesture they had done.)Lexa glanced at Clarke before realizing Clarke was still wearing her PJs."Clarke."Clarke was still looking at some of the pictures with a smile on her face. "Yeah?""Do you want to change your clothes or are you going to wear your pajamas the whole day?""I don't really have anywhere to be today and I was just planning to hang around here with you and my house is just next door and I can change anytime and it's not like my first time wearing one the whole day and I'm feeling lazy. Oh I'm taking a few months off too, refresh my mind to avoid artist's block... after the successful art exhibit I had and ...and I rambled on I'm sorry.........do you have somewhere to be? "Lexa looks away "Right no...I don't...I haven't made any plans...yet. I'm uhm- going to the bathroom now. Just do whatever, keep yourself busy." She takes out the most comfortable shirt and sweatpants thinking that maybe she will also just use this day to relax. She goes to her nightstand next and charges her phone before she forgets. Going into the bathroom it suddenly occurs to her that she would like a bath but since Clarke was here and it would be rude to keep her waiting so she just opts for a shower.Stepping out of the shower Lexa remembers that she has to apologize to Luna about last night and it has occurred to her that she doesn't have Luna’s number and she would have to call Anya and ask her. She goes to her phone while drying her hair, she's mentally preparing herself how to talk to Anya about it without getting a snarky remark from her.During her mental preparation she smells freshly toasted bread which made her stomach grumble. _Oh. What nice timing._ Lexa goes to the kitchen and sees Clarke making breakfast, the smell of bacon mixed with the toast made her stomach grumble more loudly than before and before she could stop it and run back to hide from the embarrassment Clarke faced her and points her to sit.  
-  
Clarke wants to wait for Lexa to reminisce, maybe let them remember the good times they had back together. She decides to get up and walk around the house before deciding to make breakfast since she was getting hungry. She remembers when she also used to cook for Lexa even though Lexa was great at cooking herself but she had stopped after her father passed away. Clarke was the one making sure she was eating and taking care of herself instead of burying herself with studies and work. She wants to let Lexa know that she's not alone, that she had Clarke and even her family and friends to help her.The fridge and pantry are all well-stocked. Clarke decides to make some bacon and eggs. Maybe some toasts as well. Lexa was never a picky eater, in fact she along with Octavia would eat the most. It didn't take long before the kitchen was smelling like freshly-cooked bacon and freshly toasted bread. She had forgotten how Lexa liked a particular brand of bread and she was almost drooling at the aroma of the toast. She goes to make coffee before setting the table.It didn't take long for Lexa to come down and Clarke heard a weird sound behind her before realizing it was Lexa's stomach making a noise and Clarke had made a motion for her to sit. Lexa was wearing the comfiest shirt and sweatpants, her hair down and gathered to one side. She had looked so beautiful and Clarke had missed this so much.

-

Clarke takes a sit beside Lexa making her tense up. Lexa had winced a little trying to make herself comfortable and Clarke sensing Lexa's nervousness puts a hand on top of Lexa's who then quickly withdraws.

Clarke's smile falls prompting Lexa to apologize."I'm sorry-""Sorry-" Clarke also said at the same time.

 

Lexa takes a sip of coffee and takes a toast and smears butter over it to busy hands. It still burns where Clarke touches her. Despite giving Clarke a chance to prove herself again, she's having an internal turmoil probably from being hurt for so long. _Head over heart. Head over heart._ Lexa kept on repeating the mantra in her head because she doesn't want to suffer anymore. She wants Clarke to make more effort to prove herself or something. somewhere along that line.

 

Lexa faces Clarke with a serious face.

 

"Look Clarke I'll be honest with you... I'm feeling a little bit torn right now. My body and my mind are reacting differently around you. A part of me kind of hates you, a part of me still loves you and I think I'm a little bit psychologically fucked right now. Wait no scratch that I'm pretty sure I am. I'm torn between letting you back in or not."

 

Lexa can see Clarke clench her jaw and visibly swallow.

 

"We've been through a lot and you leaving me hurt me the most. I hope you understand that and moving on wasn't easy. 4 years I've thrown myself juggling college and working. During those time I was alone, and you weren't there. I needed my best friend, my constant, I needed you who always reassured me that everything will be fine and that I'll make it... but you weren't and I dealt with everything alone. During those times it made me realize I don't need anyone to survive, not you, not your parents or our mutual friends, all I needed was myself and my head not my heart. Hearing from your mother that you were doing fine, going to dates with different people do you know how it made me feel? I've always thought to myself what did I do wrong to you? Why didn't you choose me and why them? What am I lacking? It made me feel inadequate, it made me feel like I was nothing to you, a toy that was gradually set aside forgotten and only to be played again when there are no other toys you can play with."

 

"Lexa I-"

 

"Trust Clarke, that was one thing I've always asked of you, I've given you mine yet you couldn't and now you've lost mine. You could've talked to me, save us a lot of this trouble and this hurt. Now I ask you, do you think you can earn it back?"

 

"Yes." Clarke had said with no hesitation looking directly into Lexa's eyes.

 

Lexa gives her a nod then looks back at her plate, "We'll start after breakfast. I'm really hungry."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's been more than a month since the last update. Sorry about that I'm trying to set a goal from now on. Video games are a big distraction and also work.

**Author's Note:**

> Pester me, message me at [tumblr](http://theoddoneoutofthefamily.tumblr.com/) or to see if I'm still alive or something. I may also be open for prompts.


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